I don’t know why I am so feisty today–I honestly had a fabulous day! At first this list was only four people but once I got on a roll… I may have over-caffeinated.
Alas, in no particular order, I want to punch the following “people”…
1. People who fart on the airplane. Fuck you! I am trapped inhaling your ass air with no place to escape! Go to the fucking bathroom you fuck–it’s not like you’re busy on the plane. I assure you, everyone knows that you let one.
2. People who don’t hold the door open when I clearly have a baby in a stroller or on my hip and a shit load of other things to carry. I know you see me mother– fucker!
3. Slow people. At anything: in the buffet line, getting on or off an elevator, merging on the freeway. Move your ass! Even if I have nothing specific to get to, I have better things to do with my time than watch you mosey. I am not alone: there is a whole support group for this:
4. People who swoop in on the parking space you were clearly waiting for. You are fucking lucky I have a child in the car who would get upset watching me pound on your fucking windshield and making a scene. If it was easy to calm her down, you’d be a dead piece of shit. I will find you in the store and make you feel guilty for forcing me to haul my child and various gear even farther.
5. That guy Cojo on Entertainment Tonight. Your creepy plastic face is disturbing and you have bad taste in everything. You are the epitome of bourgeois.
6. Oprah. You are an intellectual imperialist. I don’t want to like your friends, buy your favorite junk or read your sappy ass book choices. I also don’t give a shit about most of the people on your show–especially Dr.Oz. That guy is definitely a perv.
7. The French. You smoke, you’re too thin for having such good food, and everything in your language sounds pretentious.
8. People who use the word “literally” incorrectly. It’s this generation’s “ironic.” I literally want to punch them (the incorrect users of literally, not this generation) in the face.
9. Dora the Explorer. She is lucky she is not real. Well actually, I want to punch the kid who is Dora’s voice in the face. The sound of her voice makes me want to go postal. It is like the human version of a dog whistle to me. I would sooner let my kid watch pornography than let her watch Dora.
10. The cast of Twilight. Don’t get upset reader–I totally read the books and watch the movies, but have you seen any of these douche-bags in an interview? They are the most vapid and daft people and they are frankly not that good looking. Maybe I am just old but I’d sooner do Dr. Cullen than that twit Edward. It is not fair that such twats have all that money. What a waste.
If you see me coming, you better cross the street mother-fuckers, ’cause I’ll cut ya. Okay–I’ll probably just give you really bad stink eye but you’ll know what I mean…