Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

Inventory December 18, 2011

Filed under: Boobs,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 9:59 pm
Tags: , , ,

It is a sad and true fact that while you are pregnant, everyone is watching your body and feels the need to comment on it. Your doctor is looking at it monthly, then weekly. You are watching it for all the right signs and hoping none of the “wrong” signs show up. And, the general public feels license to notice and articulate its observations, whether welcome or not.

I have been lucky this go a-round in that the general consensus is that this pregnancy has treated me well. I fit into the “adorable”  “can barely tell you are pregnant” categories–(not my words). This makes me happy because hopefully the avoidance of the double chin and the fat suit that doesn’t come off means less work for me when I actually make an effort to get my curves back post-pregnancy. Still, I think it’s only fair that I get to comment on the less obvious, as I recently took inventory of what the fuck is happening to this body in Round 2 of what I call, “Pregnancy is not for Pussies, except it is in the most literal sense.” Below are some things that I noticed I have gained, as well as some losses.

As you can see here, we are increasing boobs and losing ass...

Surplus:

Nipple circumference: You could land a jumbo jet on my areolas. Now, I am all for the beauty of pregnancy and am totally impressed at what the body does to handle the development of a baby, but what in God’s name is the point of larger nipples? I am pretty sure my kid can see when it comes out, and even if not, the mouth will know the nipple. My husband can also locate my nips fairly easily–probably even better than a hungry infant. WTF nature?

Belly fuzz: Thank God I am Scottish or else the slight peach fuzz on my stomach might actually need a waxing. Apparently nature believes my stomach might get cold. So much for evolution.

Boobs: I’ve whined enough on this topic. I am starting to think the bigger size is so I don’t fall over from the belly circumference…or, my husband is in God’s favor, which would be especially odd since he leans towards the agnostic…

Losses:

I have a washboard ass. It has literally disappeared. If you rolled a marble off my shoulder and down my back it would go in a straight line down to the floor. I am going to have to buy the Spanx with the built-in Kim K. feature after this. I’ve always been sadly caucasian in the caboose–a great wide expanse, but I accidentally saw myself walking away in a mirror the other day and it’s one of my life’s regrets.

Vagina. It might be gone entirely for all I know, or, there has been a hostile takeover. I guess we’ll know when it’s time for labor. Rumor has it that’s where babies come out–though that didn’t work out the last time for me.

Overall, I think we’ll be up one baby and while it will mean a need for a stronger workforce, it should also result in large gains of happiness margins.

 

A Real Conversation with Kaiser August 13, 2010

Filed under: Mommy Issues,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 2:53 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I have not had my period for a few days now and for someone who works like clockwork and has never missed a period, this is a strong indicator that I am no longer flying solo. As I consider this I immediately regret the 3.25 beers last Sunday.

Anywho, I take 2 pregnancy tests on different days this week and both are negative. Hmm. But, this also happened to me with my first. Hmm.

8 a.m. call to Kaiser:

Kaiser Lady: What’s your health record number, address and phone number and name. Blood type, favorite sexual position, credit card number (ok just kidding about that last part but jeez).

Me after divulging everything she asked for (don’t they have that shit on file already? I tell you every time I fucking call–hit the “Save” button you inefficient motherfuckers) : “Um, hi. I know this might sound weird but I don’t know if I am pregnant. I am a few days late on my period and I am never late and I’ve never skipped a period. But I took 2 EPT pregnancy tests and they say negative, but they’re Error Proof right? But then with my first pregnancy I had a false negative also, so I think I might be.”

Kaiser Lady: “So do you want an appointment or do you want to talk to the Advice Nurse?”

Me: “Um. Oh, you’re not the Advice Nurse?

Kaiser Lady: “No. I am the Operator.”

Me: “Oh.”

Rinse embarrassment from sharing with the Kaiser operator my lack of intuition regarding my vag and general ovarian activity. Repeat with Advice nurse.

I just told this woman waaay more than she wanted to know on a Thursday at 8 a.m.

 

 
%d bloggers like this: