Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

Uteran Fail April 12, 2011

Filed under: Mommy Issues,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 6:27 pm
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Well let me just warn you that if you are reading this week for a laugh, you may want to keep looking. Unless it just happens to come out that way, this post is not likely to be funny. Just wanted to warn you in case you are looking for a laugh, which I think is pretty nice of me to give you the heads up instead of just posting a depressing post and you reading it thinking you got robbed of your funny.

I guess this is kind of funny so far, but don’t let me mislead you. Since I last posted (two weeks, I know) I both found out I was pregnant (Yay!) and then miscarried (boo). So, as usual, the best way for me to process feelings is publicly and unabashedly. I am not good at keeping secrets.

So, I have never had a miscarriage before even though 30% of women apparently do. It is a bizarre experience because, at least in my case, while it was happening, I wasn’t totally sure anything was wrong and it was unclear until test results confirmed that the minor bleeding was not in fact spotting, but my body “self-aborting.” Well, why the hell would myself do such a thing? I certainly did not give it permission.

It also seems liked a really fucked up scenario since I honestly forgot that I was trying to get pregnant, until I was pregnant then got all excited, then wasn’t pregnant again. The weirdest part is not knowing how to deal with it. You can’t really talk about it because you never really announced your pregnancy. And, it is simultaneously the worst thing that ever happened to you yet you go on with your life almost as if nothing happened–and so does everyone else of course. Unfortunately we learned the hard way not to tell our daughter she’s going to be a big sister until it’s a “sure thing.” The hardest part was explaining to a three-year old that the baby in mommy’s belly went away.

Not surprisingly, since guilt and motherhood are always holding hands, I started replaying in my mind things I should have done differently–maybe it was my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have traveled on that business trip or forgotten those prenatal vitamins that one day.  Was I too stressed? Did I eat too much sugar? Am I too old?

The good news is that I have so many friends who have miscarried (multiple times) and still ended up with healthy babies, so I see firsthand the possibility of life after miscarriage.

So I guess I just go back and make another one. It only took a year the first time.


Family is Relative February 8, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Scribbling Dame @ 12:20 am
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My grandpa died on Saturday.

In some ways this should not have been a surprise because of course 1) people die inevitably and 2) the guy was 92 years old–hardly a spring chicken.

My grandpa was also one of those people for whom the phrase “they don’t make ’em like that anymore” was coined. He seemed virtually indestructible due to surviving Pearl Harbor, a few strokes, my grandma’s frustrations, some rattlesnakes, and various construction injuries. These are just to name the things I know about. So, even though it probably should not have been, it was a bit of a shock.

I will not go into all the things that life teaches us or the meaning of death. I don’t know anything about either of those. What I do know is that family does not come from who shares your DNA. Family is who knows you well because of the history you share, loves you for who you are, and takes the time to demonstrate this to you on a regular basis. So, even though my grandpa and I were not technically related, he and I had the relationship that Grands are supposed to have, and I was lucky to witness him also share some of those gifts with my three-year-old before he passed.

It wasn’t until my adulthood that we got to be closer, and, because we all know I can’t deal with life, or in this case death, without trying to laugh about it, I bring you a couple of great moments with Grandpa.

The Brown Banana Crisis: For years, whenever we visited Grandpa and Grandma, we would always be sure to bring up our brown bananas for my Grandpa because he always ate them. Finally one day he turned to us and said, “Would you stop bringing those damn brown bananas?” We were all shocked and said “Grandpa, I thought you liked them–that’s why we’ve been bringing them to you all these years!” Turns out, he just didn’t like to see the things go to waste–a habit form surviving the Depression I suppose. We always think of Grandpa when we see brown bananas.

The Original Ugly Doll: My grandpa always made fun of my dolls when I brought them on a visit. He would stop and make a sour face and ask me, “Why on Earth did you bring that ugly thing?” Of course I would defend my latest love interest, but I have to say it was fun to shake my doll at him and watch him shiver and feign disgust.

Love you Grandpa!

Grandpa is somewhere in Heaven giving tractor rides to people.


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