I think this question, which I recently asked my husband, pretty much sums up where I am in my yoga teacher training experience.
I will try and articulate what it’s like, and will definitely not come close to fully conveying the experience of being in this process.
It’s kind of like being in grad school in that I’m reading a lot of books–my mind is wide open and full of stuff like bone and muscle structures and the fact that we hold our emotional baggage in our hips and how the sound “OM” is God and how putting your hands on someone as a yoga instructor should really be a seriously conscious decision. I’m dreaming in Sanskrit.
I’m exhausted, my FINGERS are sore (today), I’m not eating much and yet more alive than I’ve been in a while–probably not since giving birth and then grad school before that.
Calling poses and adjusting people feels like a verbal doe coming onto its legs for the first time. I know this stuff but it’s coming out all wrong–after all, how does one articulate a feeling they’ve memorized in their own body, to another body?
And then there’s the emotional and ethical/moral gutting. There’s the yamas and niyamas that, in a pretty straightforward way, call out where I am seriously off track and suffering for it. Or the variety of scenarios in which I have found myself in tears and sometimes even sobs dealing with something I didn’t even know was there, until it’s really fucking there. It is a simultaneous emptying of garbage and replacing it with softer but more sustainable materials.
And I’m doing my best to be a good student and really sit with all of it, and, well, experience it full-force. I’m all in, and I’ve already found myself moving from thinking about farts during meditation to asking a deep question and getting an answer from what I’m pretty sure can best be described as my “true self” or “soul” or whatever name you want to give it. I’m finding myself consciously deciding to interpret other people’s actions from a different, more loving perception and respond accordingly.
I’m starting to live and think like a yogi and it’s a very foreign land for me, but I’m definitely going to hang here a while, because it feels like it’s right for me. So I guess I’m on the journey, even if it does mean that I’m eating Tofurkey at Thanksgiving this year…