Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

Baby Dream Killers January 12, 2011

Filed under: Mommy Issues,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 10:09 pm
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It’s human nature to think in terms of grass is greener, but have any of you noticed that while you are trying to conceive, it suddenly seems that every asshole who looks at their partner gets knocked up?

And by assholes I mean beloved friends and family. (Kisses!)

Seriously though, it is annoying. The first couple of announcements are okay–we all know we are having sex with our partners and babies tend to go along with that. But I was talking with a girlfriend today who has had no less than 10 friends have a baby in the last year while she is trying to conceive. That is just a big middle finger from the universe if you ask me. It’s an incredibly bizarre phenomenon. It happens with single women and marriage also.

On the outside, most of us are gracious friends and we will of course attend showers, supply pickles and whatever other duties will make us remain good friends, but internally let’s be real–whiny hater brat comes out and says, “But it’s MY turn! You are stealing my vaginal thunder! You didn’t even try that hard!”

This phenomenon only adds to the already predominant trying-to-conceive dilemma, prevalent in all things motherhood: it is not as easy as we were raised to think it is. Sometimes the old in-and-out does the trick but for most of us these days, since we are conceiving later in life, we have to be more intentional. After only a year of trying with no success, the medical profession labels you as “infertile.” If you are over 35, your pregnancy is “geriatric.” There are few other processes we will encounter in our lives that are less forgiving than parenthood in all it’s stages.

I always come around and try to look on the bright side–after whining internally and then blogging about it of course.  Parenthood will happen when it is meant to and how it is meant to. Also, “failing” to conceive is probably one of the only things in life that provides a pretty nice consolation prize. If failure was always so awesome, who’d want to achieve?

Get along little doggies.


Back to the humping board. August 13, 2010

Filed under: Mommy Issues,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 2:54 pm
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One Doctor’s office pee test later and I am not pregnant. Sigh.

The pregnancy nazi said "no baby for you!"

But, this means I get to drink Sangria’s at a BBQ tonight!

I forgot about the roller coaster of trying to get pregnant. This is probably because it sucks ass and it’s totally disappointing to get a negative test. We are all groomed to believe that we have total control over this process, and as any current parent knows this is just a taste of the future of parenthood, where almost nothing is predictable or as you may have planned. It is not as easy as an I-Dream-of-Jeanie nod of the head. You don’t just magically decide and then poof! Impregnate! (Thank God, or we’d all be Mormon–sized families…)

This is terribly ironic because for us modern ladies it is a huge hurdle to just come to terms with being ready for motherhood. The decision to try feels like the biggest part. Then you actually have to get your body to do it, which people don’t seem to talk about until there is a problem. Three things to note about this process for you first-timers:

The fact is, it’s totally normal to try for up to a year, before you need to make a doctor’s appointment. (I have more than one friend who has had their kid after more than a year of trying.)

Infertility is equally split between men and women, so don’t get all girly and blame yourself without looking at his equipment too!

The older you are, the longer it takes. (And I am sorry to say but 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy. You know a male doctor came up with that term but egg-production wise, it is old. We all know you are sassy regardless though, 30-somethings).

I am not worried that I am infertile by the way. We haven’t been trying that long. But, it’s been on my mind since I am older and fatter–I mean, less healthy–since the first kid, and I have a lot of wonderful women in my life embarking on this sometimes harrowing adventure.

I was also thinking about this topic because, despite my better judgement, I watched The View the other day. I swear that show comes in a close second with Jerry Springer for it’s treatment of women. What a bunch of cunt-whores. BUT, the show was on trying to conceive so I got hooked in and boy do I regret it. To sum it up everyday my uterus is shrinking and my eggs are drying up. I am probably too old and fat to get pregnant. Oh, and poor. Well,ViewBitches, if all those fat assess on Maury can do it, so can I. 🙂

The View of Hatred. Ruining lives daily.

Needless to say I watched thirty minutes and surprisingly didn’t feel the urge to go fuck my man. If you are trying to conceive, avoid that show. If you are trying to gear up for a convent, be my guest.

It is Friday. It is Sangria time. It is time to get back to the humping board.


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