Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

How to not have sex April 25, 2011

Filed under: Mommy Issues,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 10:02 pm
Tags: , , ,

A few things have crossed my “desk” lately that have made me fairly surprised that some people in this world can even get laid (Charlie Sheen for example). But seriously, I can think of a few things that really don’t lend themselves well to recreational romping or for you romantics out there, the sexin’. (Note: this is written from a hetero perspective, but this may also apply to other orientations.)

1. Crying either during or immediately after sex. This is generally a good tactic when, say, trying to get out of a ticket, or guilting a man into many a task, but it ultimately fails  in the bedroom. It reminds one that in fact, women have feelings, and we all know men don’t want to think about women’s feelings in the bedroom, unless of course she is willing to describe what she is feeling from a tactile perspective. Very loudly.

2. The vagina makeover. I am not saying I have done this, but like with their hair or their clothes, many a lady I have known has decided to “mix it up” a bit down there–either going bald eagle or perhaps just a change in grooming design or color. Don’t mix it up too much–he was clearly on board with the old look and no one wants to see an “experimental” look on a va-jayjay. A five o’clock shadow is not attractive unless it’s on George Clooney.

3. If you are trying to conceive, stop trying to conceive. Nothing will kill the potential for your partner to put the kids in the pool sooner than a measurement of the exact moment in time and temperature that your vagina is open for business. This is not to say that you don’t plan for the rendez-vous, just don’t share the full itinerary. All he needs to know is the destination, which is so easy to communicate even unintelligent animals comprehend.

4. Do not come up with your own theories about sex–even if they are based in scientific fact. 1) It won’t get you laid and 2) you’ll lose your job as in the case of Dr. lazar Greenfield who recently wrote an editorial about how women who ingest semen are happier. No shit: read it here. My favorite quote is “So there’s a deeper bond between men and women than St. Valentine would have suspected, and now we know there’s a better gift for that day than chocolates.” What a cunt.

5. Don’t give your kids a fucked up name like Lazar. It will ensure they do not get any action.


P.S. It is really hard to find pictures of people NOT having sex on the internet.


Duh. March 1, 2011

Filed under: Lessons in Parenting,Mommy Issues — Scribbling Dame @ 10:50 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

It was a busy week for the stupid. So busy that I can’t even blog about everything stupid that occurred that I happened upon. Here are a few bullet points in case you haven’t remembered to participate in society or that thing called reading:

A UK gourmet ice-cream store had to re-call a flavor made with breast milk. They charged $22 a cup! Do I smell a new home-based business mommies?

Rachel Ray actually had a segment of makeovers (on women) at the American Kennel Club dog show. The judges were confused by all those hot bitches.

Charlie Sheen–enough said.

But the one that makes me want to blog is this article from The NY Daily News about a UK study (tax-payer funded) that found that young couples without children are the happiest. I should also mention that this study cost almost $80M.

For free I will tell you why that’s a no fucking brainer: because young couples without children have no work to do! They are no longer single so they don’t have the physical upkeep and required socializing that single folks have to maintain. And without kids all they have to do is keep a job and not piss off their spouse. Easy peesey.

The cruel irony of life is that these lazy shits don’t even know how good they have it, and they are probably pining away for children.

I also saw a TedTalk recently about the general decline of happiness after having children, which I actually appreciated and recommend you check out. (I should note that the happiness levels go up as your child gets older–so don’t go killing yourself.)

But really, is this surprising to anyone? That having children makes a person generally less happy than their pre-child lifestyle?

I can agree with this–generally speaking. My day to day life is less happy and relaxed as it was pre-Sofia. When before I wanted to have more money, it is now imperative that I plan for the future. Before I might feel stressed, now I feel crushingly overwhelmed. Before I might want a date with my husband, now I just wish we could stay awake for a movie together. Compared to our early days of marriage, my average happiness is lower.

It is hard fucking work to be any kind of a decent parent and there are no breaks.

But I am a better person for it. There is nothing like this challenge that has made me hold myself to higher standards of being, and I will continue to learn more in this process than from any of my degrees or from any of the mentors I will have in my life. And I will get to participate in this other person’s life and development in a way that no one else gets to. I consider myself privileged for it and I love my daughter completely.

My husband’s answer to this was interesting. He said his happiness levels didn’t go down, but he redefined what happiness was. Which is to say he cheated. 🙂

And for only $40M, England, I will tell you why it’s worth it, even if it means giving up your young happy couple life. See how giving I am?

Lest we forget...




%d bloggers like this: