Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

The Mother of all Fears August 1, 2012

Filed under: Mommy Issues — Scribbling Dame @ 8:43 pm
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We have rounded the corner on month four of keeping two children alive. So far so good. Ellie is finally taking a bottle (I never thought someone would love my boobs more than my husband…) and Sofia is enjoying her summer shenanigans (which includes getting into minor trouble for saying potty words under the table at school–don’t know where she picks this stuff up from…ahem.)

There is something I noticed this time around, that started when I had Sofia and continues today, now centered more around Ellie. I am speaking of an uncanny ability to envision the most horrific dangers that could possibly ever happen to my children. Let me share some examples;

A normal person might be afraid to drop a baby–a valid concern. A Mother’s fear is more like being terrified of tripping whilst wearing the baby bjorn and landing on said baby resulting in a head squashed like watermelon on the pavement.

Pretty fucked up huh?

Once you become a mother, in the back of your mind, you fear the worst…

 

There are some more obvious fears like SIDS, which for me manifests itself in a slightly weird noise heard over the monitor that was probably nothing but what if it’s choking and I don’t get out of bed to check then she dies and it’s all my fault.

Sunburns=cancer potential

Accidentally feeling a buzz from dinner wine (as a breastfeeding mommy)=BAS (Baby Alcohol Syndrome) which is probably not real, but I feel potentially guilty for anyway.

 

I suppose this is what they call “motherly instinct” or also paranoia.

 

One healthy baby, with a side of Percoset March 26, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Scribbling Dame @ 10:37 am
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So tomorrow is the big day. I can’t tell you how bizarre it is to know exactly when we are going to have a baby. It is a total mind fuck. We are at home today looking around the house thinking, “What else needs to get done before we have this baby?” And weirdly the answer is things like clean out the fridge and vacuum and get the dog groomed. Oh, and paint my toes and shave my legs–my last feeble attempts at staying girly and pretty before I become a human all-you-can-eat buffet. 

It’s also weird from another perspective this time, in that, we know our whole family dynamic will never be the same again. We will no longer be a threesome. My daughter’s entire existence is about to change. It sort of feels like the night before we neutered our dog. I knew things would never be the same for him again, and what was worse, I knew he had no idea it was coming. At least in Sofia’s case, there is more to be gained from this major life change than Chachi’s ball removal. Still, we will drop her off at her grandparents tonight knowing that her life isn’t going to be the same anymore. 

The nature of a countdown is also a cause of major anxiety for me. The unknowing of the first pregnancy/labor was nice in that I knew it was close but until I was in it, I could only think in hypotheticals. It is not the same as tomorrow at 5:30 a.m. a person will put a needle in my spine so that I don’t feel anything when they cut open my stomach, peel four layers of me back like an onion, cut open my uterus, wrestle the baby out and then put me back together again. (That’s the cliff notes version of a c-section for those of you who may think it is an “easy” way out. I might concede to easier than some vaginal deliveries I’ve heard of, but it is certainly not the get out of jail free card that some people seem to think.)

Image

Relax! You're life is never going to be the same again!

The nice thing about a second kiddo is that I also know how much of all this I will forget and not care about once I see that little face. I still distinctly the remember the first time we looked into Sofia’s eyes and it is the most enchanting thing I have ever experienced. I just have to get through the final physical hurdles of pregnancy and delivery and recovery. Once that’s done, I’ll be in a very tired, messy, state of heavenly bliss. It will be great to have a newborn again, and it will be fun to see Sofia become a big sister and start to learn about how they are the same and how they are distinct from one another.   

The reality of things is, the pregnancy and delivery is but a moment in time and I will be glad when it’s over because it’s everything after that truly makes kids worth having, for those of us who are so inclined.

Stay tuned for my next post, as I am sure it will lean far more towards the absurd and hilarious than the sentimental due to lack of sleep, constant leakage of fluids, and the realization that I still can’t drink even though I am not pregnant anymore… 

 

Captain Obvious October 28, 2010

My daughter has now hit the lovely age of blurting out every damn things that comes to her mind.

Sometimes, this is cute. For instance, the other day we are driving to preschool and, no shit, my kid goes, “Mommy? What’s migration?” And I am thinking my kid is a goddamned genius, which leads to me silently mocking all the experts that warn against TV or chicken nuggets.

Then we go to Olive Garden (I know, big night out!). Sofia and I leave our seat in the waiting area to go potty. When we come back, there is a woman sitting where we were, breastfeeding her baby. Obviously empathetic to this scenario I have no problem giving up my seat. Sofia, however, points at the lady and says, “that lady took our seat!”  At which point I do damage control assuring the poor new mom that I am happy to stand and please don’t worry about it. I want to tell her to enjoy the quiet life–that crying is manageable compared to formulating thoughts and words. Alas, she was a new mom in the throes of just ensuring her kid survives.

Stay tuned. I am sure I will be sharing more socially awkward moments brought to you by my mouthy daughter. It must be a genetic mutation. I can’t imagine where she gets it from.

 

Visual Moments in Motherhood–Rated R October 27, 2010

Filed under: Visual Moments in Motherhood — Scribbling Dame @ 8:54 pm
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To make my blog more equal opportunity for you visual learners out there, I now include a weekly post of an image that comes up when I google “mother images.” Because I am well-read and classy I then enlighten you by interpreting how the image captures real moments in Motherhood.


So yeah. When I saw this pop up on my google search of mother images this made total sense. In fact, if I didn’t have the chain shirt and leather pants in the laundry I would think someone was spying on me. It makes a little more sense when you realize this is for the fetish fashion brand Mother of London. Perhaps that is her son next to her at the bar?

A lot of this does relate to motherhood fashion though. I distinctly remember a time when I decided that wearing a shirt was pointless given the boob tap that I was and the puke sauce that was often recycled onto my tops. So, topless did come to mind and I could see how a shiny gold chain shirt might be a good distracting toy for the little one. Leather pants are easy to clean and won’t stain, plus they are hard to take off so technically they are also birth control. Plus the whole bar scene makes sense, given that most moms start to hit up their own bottle once baby is born.

Makes sense to me.

 

Visual Moments in Motherhood August 24, 2010

Filed under: Boobs,Mommy Issues — Scribbling Dame @ 8:55 am
Tags: , , , ,

To make my blog more equal opportunity for you visual learners out there, I will now include a weekly post of an image that comes up when I google “mother image.” Because I am well-read and classy I will then enlighten you by interpreting how the image captures real moments in Motherhood.

Please enjoy the first installation below:

Thomas Sully, Mother and Child, 1827

If you breastfed your baby then you have been here. Clearly Sully is capturing the moment that a mother decides wearing a shirt is pointless because her bottomless pit of a child is just going to suck on her titties all the time. And, when they are not being ravaged by the child (or husband, not pictured) they just squirt fluids all over anyway requiring a new shirt but there are no shirts left because it has been 24 hours since laundry was done which means that all fabrics in the house are again filthy with puke, milk, and possibly defecation.

The mother, exhausted, passes out possibly from Vodka but definitely from exhaustion. The child, in an effort to participate in the trend of green living, clamps the nipple so as not to waste any precious resources.

Obviously that is what Sully was getting at.

 

A Welcome Distraction June 6, 2010

Kids are a lot of work, no doubt, but I recently reflected on how much having that distracting kid can be a life-saver. Sofia’s neediness can be irritating at times (what is she, two or something?) but I have to say that as much as it can be frustrating or annoying, I feel I have done a good job capitalizing on her helplessness for my benefit–as any good mother should.

Lacking a supple ass, and since I have nothing in common with this woman except that we are both humans, I have to use my kid as a distraction.

1) Need an escape like now? You can immediately remove yourself from any situation with no judgment what-so-ever. Case in point: my first Christmas with Sofia we went to her Great Aunt and Uncle’s House. I was tired. I had just given birth two weeks ago so was really just recovering from my c-section. The last thing I wanted to do was eat one of Grandpa’s questionable deviled eggs and the traditional “cinnamon pickles” (WTF?) and make small talk with relatives who would not likely speak t0 us until next Christmas. Ka-ching–I have to breastfeed! A free pass from any situation into a private quiet space for some down time, for as long as I need. This is the only thing I miss about breastfeeding.

2) Don’t want to go to an event? Oopsie–no babysitter available! Shucks. So sorry to miss it.

3) So you decided to go to an event but it turned out to be lame? Oh no, we told the babysitter we’d be home by (insert convenient fictional time here). After all, you only get maybe one night out a month–why waste it on a dead party? You could go home and have a quickie or something more productive.

4. Socially awkward? Use your kid to both act as a subject of conversation and a distraction for your guests. My husband and I did this at brunch the other day with a lovely friend who has neither kid or husband. We ran the risk of being the people who only can talk about their kid, but I threw in some interesting articles I read lately and general catching up on each other’s lives. I put in half the work of making it appear like I am functional human being in society. Holla!

5. Family in town? Trying to avoid those uncomfortable issues? Baby time! My grandpa came into town today with his mistress of 17 years (long story, don’t actually blame the guy for it). Still, what does one talk about with your not-Grandma? No worries–just watch all the shenanigans of a two-year-old!

Finally this kid is earning her keep…

 

 
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