Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

From Sugar Tits to Booger Boobs July 1, 2012

Filed under: Boobs — Scribbling Dame @ 9:51 am
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Yes I am alive! I bet you thought the children finally were able to overthrow the house and hold us captive…but, I took a month off to enjoy the new babe and then I just got lazy, therefor you should congratulate me on writing this post because it means I am not being lazy (about blogging) any more. For now.

We have rounded the corner from newborn semi-chaos to baby bliss. Routine is nice. However, there is a mystery abounding in the household that baffles my mind. I cannot fathom how such small beings generate so much snot and boogers. I’m not talking the occasional green fugitive here and there. I am talking full-on blob-like invasion. A tsunami of nose nuggets overtakes our house EVERY DAY.

Even Barry has boogies…

The pleasantries begin with my four-year-old’s allergies. This involves clear snot rocket boogers that shoot out upon every sneeze. Inevitably these sneezes occur near my face as I am prying open my eyelids to tolerate the day, or more awesomely, at meal times. After the snot has presented itself, Sofia sits there like a walrus with booger tusks and waits for one of us to bring her a tissue, as if we are fucking tissue valets. Blech.

In her defense, we are not expected to clean up all her boogers, because she also likes to eat them. (Puke in mouth.) One day I asked her, “why do you eat your boogers?” She looks at me like I am a total  freaking moron and says, “Because they taste good.” Duh.

On to the tiny. You would think for having such small nasal passages that gigantic green goblins wouldn’t be a part of our lives yet. However, they are there. They stare at me from the light of the beautiful smiling cherubic face which makes me impulsively have to pick them. I can’t concentrate until this flaw has been removed.

Sometimes though, I don’t have to bother. When Ellie is breastfeeding, she manages to deposit her boogies onto my boob. This is like wiping them on a dinner table if you ask me. It is these moments when I get a little depressed, remembering when my boobs used to be perky things of glory that would get me free stuff when I went out. Now they are milky booger depositories. Sigh.

It’s okay. I’ll take boogers over poop any day.


Preschool Questionnaire–the real answers March 19, 2011

Filed under: Lessons in Parenting — Scribbling Dame @ 4:57 pm
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As part of the amazingly ridiculous process of securing preschool, you are required to do more paperwork than when you took your kid home from the hospital. Worse, this paperwork is full of DMV-like trick questions. Below are the answers that popped into my head, before I outwitted “the man” and put down the proper parent answers.

1. What does your child enjoy doing?

Watching t.v., “accidentally” killing ants, coloring with chalk on the screen doors, making weird faces for photos, getting into her carseat all by herself, and eating boogers. Oh also saying she wants one thing for dinner but then not eating it at all.

2. Does your child have any behavioral issues?

See above answer.

3. How do you deal with them?

Vodka, Retail Therapy.

4. What is your parenting philosophy?

Keep her alive.

5. What do you hope your child will gain by attending here?

I hope she avoids retardation and general social stigmatizing. It’d also be nice if she could read before kindergarten. It’d be nice if this place was cheaper than the last one too.

I feel better now. It takes a lot of energy for me to seem normal.


Visual Moments in Motherhood September 8, 2010

Filed under: Visual Moments in Motherhood — Scribbling Dame @ 9:17 pm
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Picasso "Tumblers (Mother and Son)" 1905

Ah, yes. Mealtime.

This mother is obviously perplexed at how her child, who loved pictured mystery meal for all of last week, will not touch it at all this week even though Mommy went to Costco and stocked up on the mystery meal contents since FINALLY she found something this kid will eat. She is also puzzled at how her kid will eat her own salty boogers, but does not find this meal appetizing.

Now mother will have to eat the mystery meal contents from Costco for the next three years.


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