Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

How to not have sex April 25, 2011

Filed under: Mommy Issues,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 10:02 pm
Tags: , , ,

A few things have crossed my “desk” lately that have made me fairly surprised that some people in this world can even get laid (Charlie Sheen for example). But seriously, I can think of a few things that really don’t lend themselves well to recreational romping or for you romantics out there, the sexin’. (Note: this is written from a hetero perspective, but this may also apply to other orientations.)

1. Crying either during or immediately after sex. This is generally a good tactic when, say, trying to get out of a ticket, or guilting a man into many a task, but it ultimately fails  in the bedroom. It reminds one that in fact, women have feelings, and we all know men don’t want to think about women’s feelings in the bedroom, unless of course she is willing to describe what she is feeling from a tactile perspective. Very loudly.

2. The vagina makeover. I am not saying I have done this, but like with their hair or their clothes, many a lady I have known has decided to “mix it up” a bit down there–either going bald eagle or perhaps just a change in grooming design or color. Don’t mix it up too much–he was clearly on board with the old look and no one wants to see an “experimental” look on a va-jayjay. A five o’clock shadow is not attractive unless it’s on George Clooney.

3. If you are trying to conceive, stop trying to conceive. Nothing will kill the potential for your partner to put the kids in the pool sooner than a measurement of the exact moment in time and temperature that your vagina is open for business. This is not to say that you don’t plan for the rendez-vous, just don’t share the full itinerary. All he needs to know is the destination, which is so easy to communicate even unintelligent animals comprehend.

4. Do not come up with your own theories about sex–even if they are based in scientific fact. 1) It won’t get you laid and 2) you’ll lose your job as in the case of Dr. lazar Greenfield who recently wrote an editorial about how women who ingest semen are happier. No shit: read it here. My favorite quote is “So there’s a deeper bond between men and women than St. Valentine would have suspected, and now we know there’s a better gift for that day than chocolates.” What a cunt.

5. Don’t give your kids a fucked up name like Lazar. It will ensure they do not get any action.

Abstinence

P.S. It is really hard to find pictures of people NOT having sex on the internet.

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3 Responses to “How to not have sex”

  1. you are fantastic! and really, you should write a book about this and then have me be your editor. 😉 rock on girl! xo


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