Well let me just warn you that if you are reading this week for a laugh, you may want to keep looking. Unless it just happens to come out that way, this post is not likely to be funny. Just wanted to warn you in case you are looking for a laugh, which I think is pretty nice of me to give you the heads up instead of just posting a depressing post and you reading it thinking you got robbed of your funny.
I guess this is kind of funny so far, but don’t let me mislead you. Since I last posted (two weeks, I know) I both found out I was pregnant (Yay!) and then miscarried (boo). So, as usual, the best way for me to process feelings is publicly and unabashedly. I am not good at keeping secrets.
So, I have never had a miscarriage before even though 30% of women apparently do. It is a bizarre experience because, at least in my case, while it was happening, I wasn’t totally sure anything was wrong and it was unclear until test results confirmed that the minor bleeding was not in fact spotting, but my body “self-aborting.” Well, why the hell would myself do such a thing? I certainly did not give it permission.
It also seems liked a really fucked up scenario since I honestly forgot that I was trying to get pregnant, until I was pregnant then got all excited, then wasn’t pregnant again. The weirdest part is not knowing how to deal with it. You can’t really talk about it because you never really announced your pregnancy. And, it is simultaneously the worst thing that ever happened to you yet you go on with your life almost as if nothing happened–and so does everyone else of course. Unfortunately we learned the hard way not to tell our daughter she’s going to be a big sister until it’s a “sure thing.” The hardest part was explaining to a three-year old that the baby in mommy’s belly went away.
Not surprisingly, since guilt and motherhood are always holding hands, I started replaying in my mind things I should have done differently–maybe it was my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have traveled on that business trip or forgotten those prenatal vitamins that one day. Was I too stressed? Did I eat too much sugar? Am I too old?
The good news is that I have so many friends who have miscarried (multiple times) and still ended up with healthy babies, so I see firsthand the possibility of life after miscarriage.
So I guess I just go back and make another one. It only took a year the first time.