As part of the amazingly ridiculous process of securing preschool, you are required to do more paperwork than when you took your kid home from the hospital. Worse, this paperwork is full of DMV-like trick questions. Below are the answers that popped into my head, before I outwitted “the man” and put down the proper parent answers.
1. What does your child enjoy doing?
Watching t.v., “accidentally” killing ants, coloring with chalk on the screen doors, making weird faces for photos, getting into her carseat all by herself, and eating boogers. Oh also saying she wants one thing for dinner but then not eating it at all.
2. Does your child have any behavioral issues?
See above answer.
3. How do you deal with them?
Vodka, Retail Therapy.
4. What is your parenting philosophy?
Keep her alive.
5. What do you hope your child will gain by attending here?
I hope she avoids retardation and general social stigmatizing. It’d also be nice if she could read before kindergarten. It’d be nice if this place was cheaper than the last one too.
I feel better now. It takes a lot of energy for me to seem normal.