Because it’s my despiter column, about Vanilla Ice.
actual phrases spoken to my daughters…
"PLay with your own nipples, not your sister's."
"Stop riding your sister"
"You're not supposed to fart when you're a princess."
"Brush your teeth so you can get married."
"Don't put your tortilla on your face."
"Don't eat your monkeys."
"Don't put your butt on the baby"
"Don't hug your hamburger. You'll get ketchup on your monkey."
"Don't tickle your Daddy with a fork."
"Don't put your magic wand down there"
"Chapstick is not for your butt"
"Don't get risotto on the dog"
"Don't touch your poop"
"Aren't nipples fun?"
"Don't pick Daddy's belly lint"
"Do NOT lick the screen door"
actual phrases spoken to me (or my husband) by my children
Twinkle twinkle little Ellie. I'm a diamond!
Is a tampon like a coupon?
How floppy is your tummy?
I can't wait for my nipples to get bigger and bigger.
The secret ingredient is penis.
You're a cream of wheat.
I'm gonna break my heart for a minute and then give you some.
If I go to jail I'll be sad and cry all day long.
I'm a wild animal.
Red lights are making me craziness.
You guys are the baddest parents ever. (Note: She does not mean Michael Jackson "Bad.")
I'm a filthy monkey.
Make sure you downloaded a rainbow of unicorns.
I want to be an Elf so I can live with Santa.
I like boobs. They're interesting.
I'm playing a game that's too scary for you: it's called dead orphan.
Just look at all the rainbow colors if you want to be happy.
Everyone thinks I'm a teenager since I'm in my booster seat.
Mama, your body is warm and cozy.
[Referring to her ham] Is this real life?
Do you know why my hand is in my butt?
Can I pick something from her [sister's] nose?
Can I fart on my sister?
[On breastfeeding] Your boobs are chubby!
My brain is always on the naughty list.
Mama, you're a genius!
[In response to "what do you want to eat?"] I want to eat something beautiful that I like.
Alex Trevec is so handsome.
That pizza is wild!
America is a jambalaya.
Isn't pooping fun?
[About fireworks] They're magic! They're humongous!
I want to be a grown up. [Why?] So I can get married. [Who do you want to marry?] Myself.
Where's my whiskey?
I am really good at [computer] buttons. And also driving.
Daddy your peanut is yucky! (note: not referring to an actual peanut)
We are girls. ha ha!
It smells like poison!
You are beautiful
If I drink my juice slower, I will have an alien in my tummy.
I just fidget all day long.
Don't recipe me.
You are hurting my life.
Don't touch me. It's my life.
I am not your puppet.
The sky is falling.
I need my chapstick so I can drive better.
Close my window so the monkeys don't get me.
You're my best friend.
I want a baby sister.
I have a baby in my belly.
The monster is eating a taco.
I am freaking out.
[With diaper on head] "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo"
My poop is stuck in my butt.
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