I have not had my period for a few days now and for someone who works like clockwork and has never missed a period, this is a strong indicator that I am no longer flying solo. As I consider this I immediately regret the 3.25 beers last Sunday.
Anywho, I take 2 pregnancy tests on different days this week and both are negative. Hmm. But, this also happened to me with my first. Hmm.
8 a.m. call to Kaiser:
Kaiser Lady: What’s your health record number, address and phone number and name. Blood type, favorite sexual position, credit card number (ok just kidding about that last part but jeez).
Me after divulging everything she asked for (don’t they have that shit on file already? I tell you every time I fucking call–hit the “Save” button you inefficient motherfuckers) : “Um, hi. I know this might sound weird but I don’t know if I am pregnant. I am a few days late on my period and I am never late and I’ve never skipped a period. But I took 2 EPT pregnancy tests and they say negative, but they’re Error Proof right? But then with my first pregnancy I had a false negative also, so I think I might be.”
Kaiser Lady: “So do you want an appointment or do you want to talk to the Advice Nurse?”
Me: “Um. Oh, you’re not the Advice Nurse?
Kaiser Lady: “No. I am the Operator.”
Rinse embarrassment from sharing with the Kaiser operator my lack of intuition regarding my vag and general ovarian activity. Repeat with Advice nurse.