I am about to reveal to you perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my life (okay actually the second–the first was getting drunk and leaving explicit messages on my best friend’s Grandma’s answering machine: true story).
I am about to reveal to you the most embarrassing moment of my adult life, which shockingly all started with this generation’s best invention for women: my friend Spanx.
If you do not know about Spanx you are a) not a woman or transvestite b)blessed with excellent genes and an elastic body c) an alien life form.
I went on a client visit and to prepare I figured it made sense to invest in the fancy Spanx that cost $80 and hook to your bra so that when you sit down your giant muffin top doesn’t make your Spanx roll down causing you to look like a giant circumcised penis. Know what I mean?
So, I am at the client visit with my boss who I’ve worked with for six years and is like my cousin and two other male colleagues, plus about 4 members of the client team. I need to pee. I exit the room.
Now I have friends who had the fancy Spanx and they always raved about what I call the pee hole–a cut in the fabric that makes it so you can supposedly pee without having to disarm your Spanx. My old non-fancy ones had no such hole. I am standing in the stall and thinking to myself–do I unpeel all my clothes to pee and then try and cellophane wrap myself again or do I try out this amazing pee hole function? Given that I was in Florida and don’t like to sweat and given that when presented with activity or sloth I choose the latter, I took a risk.
Here is me, sitting on the toilet, using my hands to spread the pee hole in the fabric wider as well as shimmy my thong to the side. I pee. I feel a giant warm liquid spread throughout my general ass area. You probably saw this coming. Whilst peeing, the back of my thong filled up with piss, puddled, and then dumped all over the back of my Spanx.
I jolt up, dribbling piss all over my legs and the floor. I am 30 years old and I just pissed myself. At a client visit.
I consider the options: I can take off my Spanx and walk into the conference room with piss-Spanx in hand and attempt to slyly tuck them into my laptop bag. Downside: probably won’t be that conspicuous, plus I will look fat the rest of the day.
Option 2: wear them and hope that I don’t get a huge wet spot on my ass since I am sans sweater and in meetings all day.
I chose option 2, walked into the conference room and feigned needing to stretch my legs after a long day of flying and sitting, when really I needed to stand to air out my piss Spanx and pray that I could dry off enough to sit down.
Eventually my standing becomes awkward and I have to sit. I am sitting on the edge of my seat, trying to get some air flow going, praying that I air-dried enough not to embarass myself.
We break and I immediately call my boss into the hallway for a priceless conversation that goes like this:
Me: “Bobby, I am going to ask you something and I need you to not ask me any questions.”
Bobby: “What?” (Look of terror and curiosity in his eyes)
Me: “I need you to look at my ass and tell me if it’s all good back there.”
Bobby, with incredulous expression, laughs a little. I turn. This is the moment of truth–will I be thoroughly humilated for the rest of the day in front of my boss, colleagues and our clients?
He says “You’re fine.” Relief!
I say: ” You don’t even want to know.”
He says: “I know.”
So, while I am humiliated, the universe decided not to make it too public. I am thankful that I have the most compassionate boss with the best sense of humor and discretion (he hasn’t asked me yet what that was all about).
So, consider this a public service. Do not, I repeat, do not trust the pee hole in your Spanx.