Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

Do not trust the pee hole. August 6, 2010

Filed under: Mommy Issues,SuperWoman Syndrome,Vagina — Scribbling Dame @ 8:12 pm
Tags: , , ,

I am about to reveal to you perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my life (okay actually the second–the first was getting drunk and leaving explicit messages on my best friend’s Grandma’s answering machine: true story).

I am about to reveal to you the most embarrassing moment of my adult life, which shockingly all started with this generation’s best invention for women: my friend Spanx.

If you do not know about Spanx you are a) not a woman or transvestite b)blessed with excellent genes and an elastic body c) an alien life form.

I went on a client visit and to prepare I figured it made sense to invest in the fancy Spanx that cost $80 and hook to your bra so that when you sit down your giant muffin top doesn’t make your Spanx roll down causing you to look like a giant circumcised penis. Know what I mean?

So, I am at the client visit with my boss who I’ve worked with for six years and is like my cousin and two other male colleagues, plus about 4 members of the client team. I need to pee. I exit the room.

Now I have friends who had the fancy Spanx and they always raved about what I call the pee hole–a cut in the fabric that makes it so you can supposedly pee without having to disarm your Spanx. My old non-fancy ones had no such hole. I am standing in the stall and thinking to myself–do I unpeel all my clothes to pee and then try and cellophane wrap myself again or do I try out this amazing pee hole function? Given that I was in Florida and don’t like to sweat and given that when presented with activity or sloth I choose the latter, I took a risk.

Here is me, sitting on the toilet, using my hands to spread the pee hole in the fabric wider as well as shimmy my thong to the side. I pee. I feel a giant warm liquid spread throughout my general ass area. You probably saw this coming. Whilst peeing, the back of my thong filled up with piss, puddled, and then dumped all over the back of my Spanx.

I jolt up, dribbling piss all over my legs and the floor. I am 30 years old and I just pissed myself. At a client visit.

I consider the options: I can take off my Spanx and walk into the conference room with piss-Spanx in hand and attempt to slyly tuck them into my laptop bag. Downside: probably won’t be that conspicuous, plus I will look fat the rest of the day.

Option 2: wear them and hope that I don’t get a huge wet spot on my ass since I am sans sweater and in meetings all day.

I chose option 2, walked into the conference room and feigned needing to stretch my legs after a long day of flying and sitting, when really I needed to stand to air out my piss Spanx and pray that I could dry off enough to sit down.

Eventually my standing becomes awkward and I have to sit. I am sitting on the edge of my seat, trying to get some air flow going, praying that I air-dried enough not to embarass myself.

We break and I immediately call my boss into the hallway for a priceless conversation that goes like this:

Me: “Bobby, I am going to ask you something and I need you to not ask me any questions.”

Bobby: “What?” (Look of terror and curiosity in his eyes)

Me: “I need you to look at my ass and tell me if it’s all good back there.”

Bobby, with incredulous expression, laughs a little. I turn. This is the moment of truth–will I be thoroughly humilated for the rest of the day in front of my boss, colleagues and our clients?

He says “You’re fine.” Relief!

I say: ” You don’t even want to know.”

He says: “I know.”

So, while I am humiliated, the universe decided not to make it too public. I am thankful that I have the most compassionate boss with the best sense of humor and discretion (he hasn’t asked me yet what that was all about).

So, consider this a public service. Do not, I repeat, do not trust the pee hole in your Spanx.

 

This is totally what I look like and do in my Spanx. Oh yeah, and piss myself.

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9 Responses to “Do not trust the pee hole.”

  1. Melanye Says:

    What a hilarious post! I was mortified for you (at a client meeting!?!) but I’m so glad it worked out as well as peeing on yourself could have and now you have a great story to share!!

  2. […] body liberating and dread the times I have to squeeze into Spanx (for other reasons than appear in Do Not Trust the Peehole). It is a physical conformity and I frankly have more important things to worry about on a daily […]

  3. Brianna Says:

    I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself. I wish I could say the laughter wasn’t a knowing-laugh, but I would be lying.

    Nowadays, when I don the Spanx, I go commando! I figured there’s no reason to press my luck…

  4. Tiffany Says:

    I experimented with this last night and it worked well. Spanx are not meant to be worn with underwear because they are your underwear. I bought them at a lingerie store which was really helpful because she came in after to make sure I put them on properly. You pull them from the bottom up, try not to pull from the band at the top. Try to put the back up as high as you can so it can be tucked under your bra. If you pull them up properly the legs sit higher and are less likely to show beneath your dress.

    To go to the bathroom I pulled them forward slightly to make sure there was plenty of clearance. I was afraid to try but now that I know it works I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

  5. Kate Says:

    I am obviously slow to the Spanx pee hole party and maybe just a bit coordination-challenged. I thought the pee hole was an obvious accommodation, but the first (and so far, only!) time I tried it, found that warm wet feeling spreading up my backside. I concluded we females need more than a pee hole, we need a directional nozzle assembly to use it neatly!

  6. leannelasky Says:

    OMG!!! I was thinking of “investing” in this contraption and suddenly thought to myself “What if I have to pee?” so I Googled “How to Pee in Spanx” and I ended up here… holy mother of all that is funny – I nearly passed out laughing! Thank you for your candid, mortifying and hilarious post …

  7. tadmack Says:

    And now I have TWO reasons for not wearing these things. Giggling… not at you, you know, but in a totally supportive fashion.

    *snicker*

    • Just think: if you’d worn a corset you could have hyperventilated and passed out on the floor of the foreign bathroom, to be discovered by a passing stranger, spanks full of pee.


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