More poop talk ladies, because, let’s face it, POOP becomes a major subject of discussion and focus when pregnancy and parenthood are on the horizon. I present you a timeline of POOP:
During pregnancy: You will likely complain that you are not POOPing enough because those prenatal vitamins have so much iron in them you swear someone shoved a cork in your asshole.
Delivery: POOP may or may not have been a known part of your experience. You were a little busy, so you didn’t think to pay attention and like all great mysteries, it is more fun not to know.
Post-Partum: If you have a C-section, POOPing on your own is your crowning achievement which signifies that you can go home from the hospital. Yippee!
Newborn 1st month: You are either amazed at how much your kid can CRAP and how literally after greedily eating s/he SHITS out your breast milk which to you has the value of liquid gold but to your infant is not good enough to keep in his stomach for longer than 5 minutes after digesting, OR you find yourself crying out and making promises of purity to God in heaven because it has been 14 days since your baby had a SHIT and you are convinced this means her insides are slowly disintegrating and your baby is dying and this is all your fault for having sex out of wedlock. (You later find out that 14 days can be “normal” for breastfed babies).
Newborn 2nd month: You have finally left the house with your baby and socialize with other parents so you can talk about POOP all night.
Newborn 3 months: You think it’s no big deal to go ahead and take the hike with the baby in the Bjorn and the SkipHop with one diaper in it. Your kid has never had a “BLOWOUT” POOP massacre before, so there is no way it would happen now. Except that it does and you have no spare clothes so you have to wrap your baby in a receiving blanket like a caveman might and trek back to the car hoping that you don’t have POOP on your hands because you only had 2 wipes to get ‘er done.
Newborn 6 months: now that your baby is eating solids you and your partner think it is cute when little Johnny or Susie makes her scrunchy POOPY face and produces a golf-ball sized excrement.
1 year: you have now honed your craft of diaper changing and even delegating who gets to change the POOPY diapers. You can change a POOPY diaper with your eyes closed, one-handed while half alseep and hanging upside down.
1.5 years: Your baby now loves bath-time and you love it to because you can sit next to her and blog or read or Facebook while she entertains herself in the tub until she says “POOPY” and you experience your own personal pool scene from Caddyshack only your brown floating log is not, in fact, a snickers bar but a CRAP log, which means you now have to give her a bath to clean her up from her bath AND sanitize all her toys.
2 years: Even though you just said in a team meeting on Monday that you think your kid is too dainty to play with her POOP, and you can therefore not relate to the POOP horror stories of your colleagues, it is Wednesday and your daughter shows you her fingers and says “POOPY” and you see that there are smears on your hardwood floors and her fuzzy pink purse and mango looking POOP slices coming out of the back of her diaper.
Thus is the poo-ology of the first two years. Please stay tuned for the next exciting installments sure be produced during the potty training months…