Scribbling Dame

Preposterous Pondering.

Ambitchon January 15, 2010

Filed under: Mommy Issues,SuperWoman Syndrome — Scribbling Dame @ 6:48 pm
Tags: , , , ,

This is the new Angel in the House, ladies. We no longer have to kill the voice that says “serve men, be gentle, be selfless.” We have a much more forbiddable enemy that I have, with affection, named Ambitchon.

This is the modern demon that those of us who want to be more than mother and wife have to face (and to be clear, being mother and/or wife is more than enough!). In fact, Ambitchon is the residue of the legacy our feminist mothers and sisters worked so hard to establish for us. That is,  creating the opportunity and expectation for us to be accepted as more than mothers and wives in society. However, greatest strengths are often our greatest weaknesses and what started out as an amazing gift has now shapeshifted into an inner oppression, a self-imposed guilty conscience.

Before, the voice said “Dare to dream. Don’t be afraid to take time, take money, create space to make it happen.” Now, the voice says, “You should be doing it all–at once! Be an excellent mother! Be a tigress in bed! Be the breadwinner! Exercise! Whatever you do, be the best at it!”

I am having the hardest time calming the fuck down and I want nothing more. I want to relax. I want to savor the moment. I want to STRIVE FOR STATUS QUO and balance. I even got myself a four-day work-week to support this goal! But, I am having the hardest time respecting my own boundaries. All this time I have blamed my company, or my financial situation, or my need to be the first in my family, or to prove that “it” can be done. Even starting this blog has been a challenge because what started out as a fun outlet quickly turned into–“how do I become the BEST at this?” Bloody hell!

I now feel that Ambitchon is the greatest threat to modern feminism. Regular ambition is still good: it’s the thing that motivates us to live to our fullest potential. Ambitchion is unchecked, throbbing, and destructive. It convinces us that we are not good enough where we are–that we must do more or be better even when it doesn’t really align with our values. 

I am not as violent as Virginia Woolf was. There is no killing necessary here. I find it sufficient to say “Fuck you Ambitchon! I am an excellent example of female strength right where I am. I have nothing left to prove to you. Punk ass bitch.” (sorry, that last part was the ghetto roots coming out…)


4 Responses to “Ambitchon”

  1. Mackenzie Says:

    Preach on! I recently got a review from my boss that stated, “Not as focused since she’s had Molly (my 6mo old).” Really? NO SHIT! That’s what I should have said and forgotten about it. Instead I fussed and fumed and tried to figure out how to be a better doctor/mommy/student/wife/friend/sister with my 24hr days (oh why can’t they be longer!) Eventually a very good friend told me I was being ridiculous and to A. Tell them to suck it B. Give myself a break. Easier said than done.

  2. Sam Says:

    The farther I go down this emotional, exhausting, and wonderful road of motherhood, the more I find myself redefining what is most important to me. (And it’s only been a month!) I’ve always pushed and pushed to ensure that I was the “best” (or at least one step ahead of the person next to me). Needless to say, Aspen has already humbled me (or maybe it’s the piles of laundry and stacks of dirty dishes) and made me realize that I actually can’t do it all. I’m still figuring out how to be okay with this. It is certainly not without the guilt and self-doubt that you wrote about. If you figure it out, please let me know. 🙂

    • tigrmom Says:

      I definitely would not claim to have it figured out, but I will say Sofia has helped me learn to let go in a big way AND in the process, realize what and who are really important in my life. Alas, this is not an easy process.

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