This is the new Angel in the House, ladies. We no longer have to kill the voice that says “serve men, be gentle, be selfless.” We have a much more forbiddable enemy that I have, with affection, named Ambitchon.
This is the modern demon that those of us who want to be more than mother and wife have to face (and to be clear, being mother and/or wife is more than enough!). In fact, Ambitchon is the residue of the legacy our feminist mothers and sisters worked so hard to establish for us. That is, creating the opportunity and expectation for us to be accepted as more than mothers and wives in society. However, greatest strengths are often our greatest weaknesses and what started out as an amazing gift has now shapeshifted into an inner oppression, a self-imposed guilty conscience.
Before, the voice said “Dare to dream. Don’t be afraid to take time, take money, create space to make it happen.” Now, the voice says, “You should be doing it all–at once! Be an excellent mother! Be a tigress in bed! Be the breadwinner! Exercise! Whatever you do, be the best at it!”
I am having the hardest time calming the fuck down and I want nothing more. I want to relax. I want to savor the moment. I want to STRIVE FOR STATUS QUO and balance. I even got myself a four-day work-week to support this goal! But, I am having the hardest time respecting my own boundaries. All this time I have blamed my company, or my financial situation, or my need to be the first in my family, or to prove that “it” can be done. Even starting this blog has been a challenge because what started out as a fun outlet quickly turned into–“how do I become the BEST at this?” Bloody hell!
I now feel that Ambitchon is the greatest threat to modern feminism. Regular ambition is still good: it’s the thing that motivates us to live to our fullest potential. Ambitchion is unchecked, throbbing, and destructive. It convinces us that we are not good enough where we are–that we must do more or be better even when it doesn’t really align with our values.
I am not as violent as Virginia Woolf was. There is no killing necessary here. I find it sufficient to say “Fuck you Ambitchon! I am an excellent example of female strength right where I am. I have nothing left to prove to you. Punk ass bitch.” (sorry, that last part was the ghetto roots coming out…)