I am not a particularly religious person but I found myself eating my words from my last post in which I said I was tired of doing it all. This is, as religious people say, the same as asking God to give you patience. The way God will grant you patience is by testing the hell out of you so you build your skill. This is how the universe received my claim that I was tired of doing it all. The universe gave my husband the Swine Flu for all of last week at which time I realize I really don’t do it ALL in a normal week. Just most of it. Like 90%.
Coming into the week tired from doing most of it all, I found myself having the worst internal conflict with my unknowing husband about what a troll he is for getting the disease-du-jour and making me do even more work.
As a fairly self-aware and emotionally intelligent individual I can remind myself that of course my husband is not doing this to me–he does not want to be sick any more than I want him to. Yet I found myself being a complete martyr all week long. I was already tired from the one baby I have, and highly resentful of having another to care for. As we all know, men are complete babies when they are ill. The stock exchange stops running and buses are on a Sunday schedule when my husband is sick–no matter how minor or severe the illness. When I am sick I “get to” catch up on housework and laundry and maybe convince my husband to change a poopy diaper 2 times in a row. So you can imagine me last week, already feeling like the turnip from which no more productivity can be squeezed, trying to be the good spouse I know I would want to have if I were the one on the couch. I tried to be loving and caring and nurturing on the outside and not let my inner discourse actually come out of my mean mouth.
I think I did okay and when he was feeling better I made him do the grocery shopping this weekend with Sofia so I could have an hour to take a bath and shave my legs and get over my life tragedy of last week.
I wish it was easier and more natural for me to be my better self–especially when it comes to everything.