Before you go there, my mother is not dead. However, she is no model mom and when it comes to needing advice or comfort, she is one of the last people I’d go to for support. (I can only write this because I know my mother doesn’t even know what a blog is…) World. Mothers. That is just not fair.
Not one pregnancy book prepared me for the onset of mommy issues I would have to revisit upon the birth of my daughter. Even finding out I was having a girl was a weighted moment–I suddenly felt such a deep responsibility on my shoulders. How on earth was I going to raise a well-rounded, non-slutty, fiesty but loving, intelligent, adventurous kick-ass girl with no one to show me how it’s done?
At this point in my life (I was 27) I thought I had gotten away from the shackles of my mother’s poor decisions. I remained a virgin until college so I could graduate high school without a baby (1st in my family!) I got straight A’s and did every god-awful high school activity so I could go to college (1st woman in my family!). I got married before I got pregnant (1st again!), bought a house and a dog and established a career. I built my life around having the opposite experience of my mother and I thought I was finally free, until having Sofia. It was then that I realized that my mom had shorted me yet again.
I once again have to rely on my independence and resourcefulness to ensure my needs are met. I will have to find some kind soul who will be my mother-in-kind who can tell me when I need to let go and how to hold on in a loving way. I will find a volunteer mom who can tell me I am not a horrible person if I don’t think my kid is perfection all of the time. I will have to find a mom understudy to help me figure out where on earth I will find more energy to be the mom I know I need to. Perhaps I will post on Craigslist…
To those of you who are expecting: if you know now that you have mommy issues, please expect to spend some time in therapy revisiting and working through them. After all, learning to let go of baggage and becoming a healthy, stable being is an excellent gift to give your children. So, though I am tired and thought my work was done by way of establishing a positive legacy for myself and my family, I am realizing that being a great mother to my daughter will be yet another first for my family. A worthy pursuit for certain.